An Offer Saddam Cant Refuse
Eric S. Margolis
A favorite terror technique of the Soviet secret police during the great purges of the 1930s was to arrest a suspect at 3 am, and drag him into an interrogation room at the dreaded Lubyanka prison. A blank piece of paper and pencil were put on front of the trembling prisoner. Write down each and every one of your crimes, and names of all your fellow conspirators, warned NKVD interrogators. We know everything you have done. If you omit even one crime in your confession, you and your entire family will be shot.
The Bush administrationbehind the fig-leaf of UN inspectorsis using the same old Soviet technique on Iraq: List all your hidden weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) and scientists who made them. Leave off even one site or name and we will immediately go to war against you.
Iraq has an impossible task: to prove a negative. Baghdad must show evidence it does not possess weapons of mass destruction. If the Bush Administration claims a particular site is used for WMDs, yet it does not appear on Baghdads confession list, then Iraq, according to the U.S.-written rules of this rigged game, has automatically committed a material breach of the UN resolution, and the U.S. will attack.
Baghdad, December 2002, Presidential Bunker #27: Oh Saddam, Light of the Euphrates, Sword of Islam, Lord of Babylon
Yes, yes, what is it, Gen. Hamid?
The Americans are insisting Dairy Plant #12 is a nerve gas production facility. Its not on our confession list.
Is it a nerve gas factory? I thought we only made nerve gas in baby food plants?
No, Oh Radiance of the Tigris, its just a milk plant. But if the Americans dont find poison gas there they will claim we are lying and then start the war.
We cant have that. Quick, general, get some machines over there and begin making poison gas so we can admit we are guilty so the Americans wont attack. Do this by dawn or you will be demoted to private third class in my glorious Suicide Commandos.
Or, Baghdad, May, 2003.
U.S. II Corps Commander Lt. Gen Delmar Creech to Military Governor of Iraq, General Tommy Franks. Dear Franks of Mesopotamia (thought youd like to know what the boys call you), weve searched this whole miserable little country high and low but cant find any weapons of mass destruction, except for a few old, rusted drums of stale mustard gas from the 1980s. My orders are to find WMDs. What should I do?
Franks to Creech. Delmar, you squirrel-brained dimwit, if you cant find any WMDs, then make some. The Commander-in-Chief says Saddams got em, youve got to prove him right, or youre on permanent latrine detail in Alaska. We invaded this camel farm because there were supposed to be WMDs hidden here. Do it like we use to make moonshine back home: just mix up some ol chemicals that stink real badtry floor wax remover, ammonia, anchovy paste and garlic powderlet em marinate in the sun a few days, then call a press conference. Those dumb journalists wont know nerve gas from hair tonic.
Oh Great Saddam, Second Saladin, Sword of the Arabs
Yes, yes, what is it now?
Phone call from Carlyle Group in Washington.
Isnt that the company owned by the Bushs and their Pentagon business cronies? Yes, your sublime Iraqiness, it is.
Hello, President Saddam, this is Frank Carlucci, CEO of Carlyle Group. No, no, not Chief Espionage Officer, Chief Executive Officer. No, Im not under federal indictment for stock fraud. No, Im not seeking asylum in Iraq.
Listen, weve costed war against Iraq and it comes in around $200 billion. Now heres the deal. Well buy you out of Iraq for $174 billion, half cash, half paper, with a $3 mil monthly retainer, use of our corporate jets, a Fifth Avenue coop apartment, fresh flowers daily, a secretarial staff, golf club memberships, and season tickets to the NY Mets.
Ive checked with the White House. Take this deal and youll be re-classified from Dangerous Dictator to Freedom-Loving Ally. Youll also get a genuine enameled American flag pin for your lapel to prove youre not an evil Muslim.
This is an offer you cant refuse, Mr. Saddam. As President Bush says, youre either with us or against us.
I spit on your $174 billion. Do you take me for the Father of Fools? The net present value of our oil reserves is $6.8 trillion dollars. And didnt I just see the bullying villain in Walt Disneys cartoon Beauty and Beast use the same with us or against us line?
So what. The president has a wide range of interests. How about your own TV talk show, Ask Saddam, and a Miami Beach condo?
Now, youre talking. But who will run Iraq for you?
Were hoping you will, as a senior consultant for Carlyle Group. After all, no one knows how to manage this crazy country better than you, Oh Light of the Fertile Crescent!
Throw in Kuwait, and youve got a deal!
The Toronto Sun, Nov 15, 2002